It’s not because George Lucas is a jerk and has told at least three separate stories as to why there won’t be nine movies. It’s not because he really jumped the shark with Episode 1 and made a movie in which the best actor is an annoying CGI pseudo-Rastaman. It’s not because Episodes 1-3 didn’t make Darth Vader “a more sympathetic character” as Lucas has said he intended (unless he’s changed that story again, too) but instead made Darth Vader a whiny little emo brat who will now always seem to be a perpetual fourteen year old with a “The whole universe hates me!” attitude (even in Eps. 4-6 — nice going, George. Way to ruin the best movie villain ever). No, it’s because as you get older, it’s hard not to notice how desperately dumb these movies are. Yes, Episodes 4 & 5 are brilliant, Ep. 6 is fine if you can get past the stupid Ewoks, and even Eps. 1 through 3 have their moments (mostly the lightsaber battles). Everybody loves the Star Wars movies, but it doesn’t change the fact that there are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through and muddled mixed messages throughout. And despite all the efforts to convince the world that the Star Wars films have some kind of deep-rooted sociological and anthropological meaning (Friday at 8 — yet another History Channel hour on the mythology behind Star Wars!), the fact is that Lucas was just riffing on Saturday matinee serials — and he did a decent job of producing some good dumb fun until it all went to his head.

But the problem here is that we’ve all seen these movies a metric buttload of times and, if you’re like me, you run with a crowd of really outspoken smartasses — which means that everytime a Star Wars movie is shown it gets the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment: it’s one-liner city and if I can’t be the mayor, then I wanna at least be Crow.

Have fun! — Steve